A book review? Jesus, how old are you, Simon? Twelve?

Alright – I’ll come clean – I’ve been asked to review this book, and the publisher was lovely enough to send me a review copy, so I kinda feel obliged. But don’t let that fool you into thinking I’m going to be nice about it if I think it’s shit. If I think it’s shit I will not just say “I think it’s shit”, I will go into lurid detail about how it should never have been printed, the publishers are terrible people and the author should be put in prison for crimes against books. But that’s only if I think it’s shit.

And I don’t.

But hang on – let me stop there. You (poor misguided soul) may not know of David Shrigley. It’s not like I’m reviewing the new Dan Brown book (see previous paragraph for my likely reaction) – I’m reviewing the new David Shrigley book, and I suppose that requires a bit of explaining. Shrigley is, so they tell me, an artist – and this is an ‘art book’ – full of drawings, paintings, photos and sculptures. “Very highbrow”, I hear you sneer. Well maybe, maybe not. David Shrigley isn’t going to win any awards for his drawing technique, or have the critics praising the wonderful use of light and shade in his photos (I don’t know anything about photography, but I’m guessing at the sort of things critics would praise) – but he’s got something.

At first glance Shrigley’s ‘art’ is terrible. The drawings often look like they’ve been done by a special needs child with no eyes or hands, the paintings aren’t much better, and the captions are frequently misspelled, have corrections, or have been scribbled out altogether.

And you call this art?!

Whatever. Let’s not get bogged down in what’s art and what’s not – I haven’t got all year. The point is this – I have a new book full of drawings and paintings and stuff and it’s by a chap named David. That’s enough for now. Here’s one of the images from it:

You might be looking at that, scratching your head and saying “I don’t get it”, perhaps frowning and grumbling, “That’s not funny or clever. It’s rubbish”, or, as I did,  sitting and grinning, chuckling, “HA! That’s good, that is!”. If you fall into the first category, there’s  hope for you yet – read on. If you’re in the third category, you’re my kind of person (possibly semi-retarded, but that’s ok) – and if you’re in the second group you might as well give up reading this now. Sorry, but there’s really nothing for you here. Still – I hear the new Dan Brown book is good.

So that’s a taste of Shrigley. I’m not going to nick a load of stuff off his website and post it here – but I really DO suggest you go and check it out:

DavidShrigley.com

Back to the book, then…

When I heard that there was a new anthology of his work being released, I was a bit disappointed. It’s like when your favourite band releases a ‘Best Of…’, isn’t it? Largely pretty pointless. I’ve got all the albums and plus, all their best stuff is on b-sides and impossible-to-get-hold-of Japanese EPs, right? Yeah. Well that was how I felt about this book. There’s already a massive anthology of his stuff (called ‘The Book of Shrigley’, if you’re interested). What’s the point of another one?

That was until the moment the book came crashing through my letterbox, heavy with the weight of expectancy and laden with impending disappointment.* The moment I held the book in my hands it felt right. I love getting new books anyway – but this is a sturdy, bright yellow, hardback beast of a thing – with 350-odd pages full of drawings (often with added colour that wasn’t in previous editions), paintings, sculptures and photographs. All the good stuff’s there. (Well, most of it.**) And there’s a foreword by Will Self. Will Self! They weren’t kidding when the called it ‘The Essential…’, were they?

Many’s the time I’ve asked people, “Have you heard of David Shrigley?” only to then have to try to explain what he does. And it’s not easy. Especially because so much of his work makes me laugh. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to describe an amusing picture to somebody. You generally end up making it sound about as funny as a fatal road accident. So from now on, instead of trying to explain why a photograph like this is funny, disturbing and oddly touching, all at the same time, I’ll be getting ‘The Essential David Shrigley’ out and insisting that they flick through it.

*That’s not strictly true – the postman rang the doorbell and handed it to me, but that’s just not as poetic, is it?

**One of my favourite written pieces is missing – but that’s ok – it’s on his website, here.

Over the past year or so, I’ve (re)discovered the joy of making mixtapes. Only they’re not on tape – they’re mp3s. But mixmp3s sounds pathetic.

So here’s the latest one – I decided to do a little track-by-track commentary – so you can tell what the tracks are – and a little bit of self indulgent writing about why I love each one. Or at least like it. Or – you know – tolerate it.

So here goes – I’m well aware that it’s a hellish mix of genres, but I think it works. This is a small glimpse into what goes on in my mind at any given moment.

1) Andy Votel – B-Music: I discovered Andy Votel on some compilation CD I got free with a magazine years ago.  It was a tune called ‘Revenge of the Spooky Driver’, and it was a bit mad. Long passages of twinkly piano and whooshing sounds, and then unexpected, frantic sections of crazy rock guitar. Then back to the twinkly piano stuff. That’s the sort of thing that catches my attention. I later got my hands on the album, only to discover that the track I loved wasn’t on it. But this one was. I’d also highly recommend checking out his mix album ‘One Nation Under A Grave’. It’s mental.

2) Curtis Mayfield – Move On Up (excerpt): I’d have loved to have put the whole thing on here, but the full version clocks in at just over 6 weeks, and while it’s BRILLIANT, it kinda spoils a mixtape. So I put in the little instrumental bit at the end, cos it’s still got the groove that I was after – but doesn’t go on forever. The little spoken bit at the beginning of the track is by Demitri Martin – a massively under-rated comedian. One of the snippets later in the mix is also by him. A very funny guy – check him out on YouTube or something.

3) Yo Gabba Gabba – Don’t Bite Your Friends: A little reminder on etiquette from one of my favourite children’s TV programmes. I’ve got a child – I’m ALLOWED to watch them, alright?

4) Wildchild – Renegade Master (Fatboy Slim Old School Mix) – The original version of this is, of course, a classic – but dear Quentin’s remix has a certain…something… that makes me want to get up and leap around the place like a knob. So I put it on here (I only heard this mix recently, for some reason, but I immediately earmarked it for a mixtape. It’s too good not to share).

5) Jamie T – Chaka Demus: God knows what Pliers did to offend Mr. T (hurhur! Mr. T!) but whatever – this is a feelgood tune if ever there was one. I must confess, Jamie T’s voice annoys me massively, but while he’s churning out stuff like this I can forgive him. Just about.

6) STV SLV – Shut Up, American Boy: I’m a huge fan of bootlegs, or mashups, or whatever you want to call them. And I think this one works particularly well. Impressive, given that I’m not really fussed by either of the original tunes. The album I pilfered this off has an AMAZING mashup of The Cure and the Commodores, but that’s for another day…

7) Oasis – Falling Down (The Gibb Mix): Yeah it’s Oasis. So what? Their latest album definitely has a groove about it – and lots of the remixes are really cool. Like this one. Fast forward if you hate them so much. God – you’re SO negative.

8]) Gisli – Can You Make Me Right: Gisli is a bit of an odd chap. His debut album ‘Go Get ‘Em Tiger’ is well worth seeking out. He’s Icelandic, and raps about Gareth Gates wearing rollerblades. What more could you possibly ask for? Actually – quite a lot of the album is relatively downtempo, acoustic stuff, but it’s all rather good.

9) Datarock – The New Song: I don’t know anything about Datarock, other than they play music that sounds like this. And I like it.

10) Kalyani Anandji – Somebody To Love (edit): Ages ago I downloaded an album called ‘Sitar Beat! Indian Style Heavy Funk’. I mean – with a name like that it’s hard to resist, right? And it turns out that there are some crackin’ tunes on there. Like this one.

11)Byron Lee and the Dragonnaires – Six Million Dollar Man: Good God, I love this. It’s off an album called ‘Reggae International’ and if you like this track – you’ll love the album. Trust me – it’s one of my favourite albums.

12) The Upsetters – Popcorn: This is pretty darn awesome, too. I first heard it on DJ Spooky’s album ‘Riddim Come Forward’ which is, simply put, a work of genius. It’s a mix album, of loads of stuff off the Trojan label. Everything from hits to rarities. Including this. At the end of the day, it’s the Upsetters – you can’t go wrong.

13) The Spencer Davis Group – Keep On Runnin’: When I was putting this mix together, I asked people for suggestions of tunes that ‘had a groove’. This was suggested, and immediately clicked. If ever there was a song with a ‘groove’, this is it. Good call, Polly! Thanks!

14)EMF – When You’re Mine: I loved Schubert Dip, the album this was on, when it first came out. And then I forgot about it for about ten years (probably longer). Not so long ago, someone made a comment that jogged my memory and I had to dig it out again. Yeah, it might not have aged very well, but it brings back happy memories for me, and once you get past the dated-ness of it, I think it’s a bloody good tune.

15) Bassnectar – Where Is My Mind? (Bassnectar Remix): Considering how much I adore the original, I’m amazed at how well this works. Sometimes you’ve just got to ignore the voices in your head telling you that you shouldn’t like something, and just admit to yourself that it makes you wanna jump around the place whooping.

16) Weezer – El Scorcho: “I asked you to go to the Green Day concert – you said you’d never heard of them. HOW COOL IS THAT? So I went to your room and read your diary”. With lyrics like that, I barely need to explain why I love it…

That’s rhetorical, by the way. I don’t want a list.

The eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that this was posted on a Wednesday rather than a Friday. Those of you that are even more eagle-eyed will notice that I don’t care about that sort of thing. So – whatever – it’s a Friday Funpack. Like it or lump it.

I hope you all had a good Christmas, and a spiffing new year. I did. Santa got me a saxophone – you can see how pleased I am with it!

As you’ll have noticed, I haven’t updated this blog recently. It’s partly due to lack of material (I struggled to find anything funny enough for a Funpack for a few weeks), partly due to the fact that I was busy (not strictly true, but it’s the sort of rubbish that people believe) and partly, nay, mainly due to overwhelming lethargy. So – I’ve finally found the sites, the time and the motivation to actually write one of these things. Here goes…

First up – Beatboxing’s a funny old thing, isn’t it? When it’s done well, it can be bloody impressive (search youtube for Shlomo, Killa Kela or Beardyman, and you’ll see/hear what I mean). When it’s done badly, it can be very, very, very,very, very, very funny. Like this:

While I’m on the subject of videos involving tragic furry-faced people, here’s a brilliant video, which I guarantee you will love.

If you enjoyed that, you might want to check out his animatronics showreel, too. It’s fan-flippin’-brilliant. (Aside from the fact that it shows that he is partly responsible for the travesty that is ‘In the Night Garden’, but I mustn’t start venting my hatred for that programme - I don’t want this Funpack to turn into a tidal wave of vitriol….grrrrrrrr…..). My favourite bit is the bendy banana. That is, quite literally, the stuff dreams are made of.

I stumbled across this video recently – the kid hasn’t YET become a web phenomenon, but I’m pretty confident that he will. I’m not sure much introduction is necessary, just watch this:

On a side note – are his classmates REALLY taunting him about having no soul?! That’s the most bizarre bullying ever. I mean, I could understand it if they mocked the shape of his head, or his weird little piggy eyes, or that freaky crease-thing that appears at the top of his head from time to time – or just the fact that he’s a psycho. And a Christian. But – no soul?! Things have obviously changed since I was at school.

Obviously, bullying people is BAD, and you shouldn’t do it. Kids, eh? They’ve got no respect. Not like old folks. They’re kind, gentle, respectful, and they’d never, ever use foul language. Right?

Wrong. Check THIS out:

Astonishing.

In other news, I recently found someone called ‘Benny Bender’ in the phonebook at work. That kept me chuckling all day. Because I’m a child trapped inside a man’s body. Like the opposite of what Matthew Kelly gets up to in his spare time.

Allegedly.

Right. Enough slander. Or libel. Or whichever one it is. I’ll go with ‘slanbel’ – a cross between the two. (‘Linder’ just doesn’t work for me). It’s time for some music. If you know me you’ll know that one of the few things I love is reggae music. So it made me jump for joy (not literally, that would require some physical exertion) when I saw that Robert Popper had recorded a reggae song. As if it couldn’t get any better – It’s got Peter Serafinowicz on backing vocals. Oh my, oh my. I hope this brightens your day up:

I hope you liked that.

As you know, anything involving Peter Serafinowicz is likely to be amazing,  so it’s no surprise that his new Paul McCartney pastiche ‘Head Lice’ is …well… amazing. Click here and you’ll see what I mean.

And that, my dear readers, is the end of the first blog entry of 2010. There will probably be more. But if not – just in case – Happy Christmas!

x

*Actually it’s not, but I’m bored of arguing with people about it.

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To summarise (in English): this is the special ‘geek’ edition of the funpack. I’ll tell you upfront – there won’t be as many people falling over, dancing badly or accidentally disembowelling themselves with plastic spoons as usual, but it should be interesting, if you’re remotely geeky. Or even if you’re not, perhaps you could embrace your inner-geek. Give him a hug. That’ll scare the pants off him (human physical contact and geeks do not mix – it’s like feeding a mogwai after midnight). I’m not ashamed to admit – I’m a bit of a geek. Not a fully-fledged-World-of-Warcraft -level-47-Warlock kind of geek, but pretty geeky nonetheless. I work with computers, which is always a dead giveaway, and I wrote my wedding vows in Klingon.

That’s not true.

Anyway… on with the good stuff. Firstly there’s a couple of websites that go hand in hand. First up is this one. Makes you feel pretty tiny and insignificant, huh? Well, worry no longer. You’re not tiny and insignificant. A carbon atom. THAT’S small and … uh…well… it’s just really weeny, alright? Don’t believe me? Check out this website. Use the slidey bar a the bottom to zoom in. Who’s tiny now, huh? I’d like to see a mashup up of the two sites, allowing you to zoom from one extreme to the other. I reckon it might require quite a long sliding bar. Quite long indeed. It’d also be good to see it replicated with popular figures. I think Verne Troyer is likely to be a carbon atom, to Vanessa Feltz’s Antares. “Vanessa Feltz’s Antares” isn’t a phrase you get to write every day, let me tell you. Or maybe one ranging from ‘Jordan’s intellect’ to ‘P Diddy’s ego’. The possiblities are endless. Kind of.

A little while back, someone sent me a link to this website and told me to have a look at the code. We all laughed at how riduculously it had been coded (I’m not HTML expert, but this was nuts). It looked like a madman had done it. Go and check it out – for the less technical of you – go to the website, right click somewhere other than on a picutre and select ‘view source’, or ‘view page source’. Have a scroll down. Then, some bright spark on b3ta.com (possibly the greatest website in the world) noticed something kind of weird…

If you zoom right out of the code for the website, and then flip it on it’s side, it looks like this:

Which looks kinda cool…but… why?

Here’s why. This, dear readers, is the view from the Funjinon headquarters, looking towards Mount Fuji – courtesy of Google earth:

And this is the two of them overlaid:

Pretty freakin’ cool, huh?

It reminded me of the Aphex Twin video with ‘the face’. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Have a watch of this – it’s Aphex Twin’s song ‘Equation’ (well it’s not strictly called that, but I wouldn’t know how to type the full, mental name of the song here). It’s being run through a Spectrogram, which is in itself, pretty cool. But skip to 5:30 if you want to see why I posted it here.

He’s one clever/scary mo fo.

Now – another freaky-but-kinda-groovy face. Check out what Eric Testroete did for his halloween costume this year. It’s a bit better than a scream mask and a plastic pumpkin full of sweeties. Have a look here to see what he got up to.

Very geeky, but very, very cool, I’m sure you’d agree.

Last, and certainly least, is this guy – I mean – I know I said you ssaid embrace your inner geek and all – but for God’s sake – do it in private. Not in a photo that ends up posted on the internet. You think you’re a geek? You’re not a geek. THIS guy is a geek:

On that note, I bid you adieu. Or, as we say in Klingon, naDevvo’ peghoS.

That means ‘go away’.

So it’s going to be a little blog this week. Think of it as ‘fun-size’ (because, as we all know, small chocolate bars are much more fun than proper-size chocolate bars, aren’t they, Mars? Oh yeah. So much more fun. Idiots).

First up is a wonderful video – Robert Popper is a very, very funny man (if you’ve read ‘The Timewaster Letters’, that was him – if you’ve not read them, they’re highly recommended). His alter-ego, Robin Cooper, called into a TV show recently. But not any old TV show – that mental religious one that I posted a link to a while back. It had me in stitches.

The guy on the right’s face is a picture. Which brings me to the next three websites – think of it as a triple whammy – first up is the this one – Anti Duck Face - swiftly followed by Sturgeon Face - and then – the crowning glory – trust me, this is worth the wait. Are you ready? I mean – REALLY READY?

Check out these mo fos.

That, my dears, is it. Told you it’d be a mini-blog this week didn’t I?

First up is this little gem from some foooool at schooool. This would be the sort of ‘clever’ cheating that I’d try. I think ‘whoops’ probably sums this up.

Still on the ‘whoops’ theme, is this little gem. The last test I took was my driving test. And fortunately I passed without resorting to all the horrible-tasting alternative techniques that you sometimes read about. So I’m legally entitled to scoff at this bit of driving. I think this is what people call a ‘prang’.

This news story raised a few questions in mind. Most notably, how do such hideous trolls ever make money as prostitutes?! It also made me wonder “Have I ever included a link to Mugshot Du Jour on my blog?” To which the answer is hopefully ‘no’. Until now. I freakin’ love that site. There’s a whole wealth of freaks to laugh at, and it’s ok to laugh at them because they’re criminals, right?

Crime, eh? That includes bike theft doesn’t it? (Check out my segueing skillz this week). Anyway – bike theft is wrong, as the person that wrote this sign clearly knows…

Now, a couple of things- this picture made me laugh, and this picture (of a spider, no less!) made go ‘Awwwww’. An ususual reaction given that I hate spiders almost as much as I hate Celine Dion.

Finally – a glimmer of hope. The internet can be a cruel place – most of the things that become popular are usually only funny because people either get injured, are fat/ugly or are just freaks (or involve fat, ugly freaks getting injured). It’s kinda comforting to have discovered Succeed Blog, which is, as the more linguistically adept of you may have already sussed, the opposite of the classic Fail Blog website. It celebrates all the really groovy things that the internet has to offer, and I suggest you check it out if you’re ever in need of a pick-me-up.

So – how about that – I ended on a positive note. Brilliant.

I hope next week it’ll be back to business as usual and I’ll be poking fun at tranny midgets and fat women who can’t dance. THAT’S what the Internet is all about.

x

Those of you that have regularly read this blog will probably be aware of the ‘floppy spoon’ situation. Well you’ll be OVERJOYED to know that I finally managed to capture the enigmatic melty-cutlery-bastard on film at lunchtime today. I mean – how useless is THIS?

And the soup actually tasted worse than it looks. Hard to imagine, I know. Maybe it wasn’t the heat of the soup that caused the spoon to wilt – maybe it was toxic fumes given off by the tasteless gruel. Whatever. Anyway – enough of my cheap soupspoon woes – on with the funpack.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – Peter Serafinowicz is a funny FUNNY man. He also does an uncanny Paul McCartney impression. Like this one. Splendid stuff.

You know those little cigarette filter tips? The little white things? Well I grew up knowing them as ‘jelly baby tampons’. I still think of them as that, despite the obvious size issues, and the fact that jelly babies don’t, as far as I know, have menstrual cycles. (If they do, I’d advise avoiding the red ones in future). Similarly, in our house, that rubbish cheese that comes in prepackaged slices, for putting on burgers is known as ‘sanitary towel cheese’. Just cos – well – it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? So – now that we know that ‘feminine hygiene’ is a rich source of fun, it seems appropriate to show you ‘Tampon Crafts’, which takes an idea from a link I posted ages ago and expands upon it (no horrible pun intended). God only knows why these people do these things…

On the subject of God – I was sent this recently. It’s a logo that was originally designed for the Catholic Church’s ‘Archdiocesan Youth Commission’ back in the Seventies. Personally, I think it’s stood the test of time. It’s still pretty relevant today, don’t you think?

While I’m smoothly segueing from one link to another – see that old, black and white image that makes you go ‘What the…?!’ – well here’s a load more. It’s just a collection of mental photos from yesteryear. A particular favourite is this one – if you see this and still don’t click the link out of curiosity, then frankly you’re beyond redemption.

No ‘clever’ segue for this one, but really – who needs a clever segue, when you’ve got a video of a young Japanese guy testing out his new tazer – ON HIMSELF?! Not me. Here it is. If you laugh, you’re a bad person. Like me. Welcome to the club.

You know when you can’t decide if someone’s taking the piss or not? Or if they’re just really, REALLY terrible? Let me know what you think of this guy:

I hope he’s taking the piss. I don’t actually think he is.

Finally, here’s an idiot, for your entertainment:

Until next week my handsome, charming and most wonderful readers…

x

Here’s the funpack.

First up HAS to be this – which will soon become a MASSIVE hit on youtube.

This beautiful thing was put together by Cassetteboy – who also did the following video (I might have already linked to this, I don’t remember). Anyway – if you like what they do – and you really ought to – go and buy Cassetteboy’s CDs. I recommend ‘Mick’s Tape’. And ‘Inside A Whale’s Cock’ is another good ‘un. Check it out, innit…

Last week I included a video of a girl smashing her face on a TV whilst dancing to a Beyonce tune. This is…uh… kind of similar. But much, MUCH more erotic.

Continuing the ‘Simon crawling youtube for stuff that makes him chuckle’ theme – here’s a drunk bloke riding a lawnmower.

Hopefully that’s amused enough that this won’t make you sob like a bitch.

Lastly – have a gander at this – Jim Corr (the one you DON’T include in your pervy dreams about The Corrs) has gone nuts. He’s done a David Icke. Brilliant. Have a look at his website for a good laugh about a man that’s clearly suffering from some kind of psychological imbalance.

Adieu!

This week’s funpack has a musical theme, broadly speaking. A little bit of singing, a little bit of dancing. That sort of thing. I make no apology for the fact that there are a lot of youtube clips in it. Anyway – there’s only four. Stop your whinging.

First up is this wonderful music video from Russia. Russian pop music is, without doubt, some of the worst pop music in the whole world. Maybe even the whole universe (although some of the stuff from Jupiter is atrocious. This guy is surely ‘top of the pops’ when it comes to being a rubbish Russian pop star. Quite an impressive feat.

I bet you thought he was pretty bad, didn’t you? Couldn’t sing, couldn’t dance – looked a bit weird. Then you, dear reader, are in for a treat. That guy wasn’t bad. This guy is bad. I’ll put it into perspective first – for those of you not geeky enough to fully appreciate what he’s doing. Those things he’s holding are games for a NeoGeo. He obviously likes them. A lot. Enough to dance around topless with. And film it. And then show… oh…I won’t spoil it for you…

Didn’t see THAT coming did you? Or perhaps you did.

Which reminds me – someone showed me this the other day. It starts off disturbing and ends just…beautifully.

But that’s not really musical, is it? What we need for a musical blog is someone with talent – someone that can sing – someone with charisma – someone like… Shane Lee. (Warning – you’re likely to burst some internal organs laughing at this guy – not with him. At him).

It’s worth checking out his other videos if you’re at a loose end. The cover of ‘You Sexy Thing’ is stunning – and the bizarre rant about the Bible vs. the Koran is positively unwatchable. Go and take a peek.

Right – that’s all the videos out of the way. Time for some audio goodness.  There is nothing better in life than hearing presenters on live TV or radio broadcasts cocking things up. Nothing better at all. Except possibly blowjobs, and several other things. Anyway… Radio Fail has just rocketed into my list of ‘websites that I love’. I hope you love it too.

Finally – a very late addition to my list of embarassing names – featured in I Want A Wii. This one, ladies and gents, is a cracker. Let’s all laugh and point at this poor woman.

TTFN, my lovelies!

x

I knew I had really had a problem with which hand I was using when I first bust my nut. No – hang on – that sounds bad. Let me start at the beginning – I was born with a problem. Or at least, I developed a problem as I grew up. The thing is, see – I’m left handed. I’m sure you’re thinking ‘so what?’, but that’s the point – you’re probably right handed, and have never given any thought to the issues faced by us – the cursed minority. Life is pretty plain sailing for you ‘righties’. Ever been to a bank and found that all the pens are secured on the left hand side, thus rendering it nigh on impossible to write your signing in slip? No. Didn’t think so. So maybe you could spare a thought for me and my sinister brethren.

So anyway – back to the nut incident. As you may know I play the guitar. I try to play the guitar is probably a more accurate assessment, but let’s not get bogged down in details. As a lefty, I have to play left-handed guitars (more on that later). They’re not too different to right handed guitars – just a little bit…uh…upside down. A couple of years back I was merrily strumming my instrument (fnarr fnarr!) when there was a cracking noise, and one of the strings went a bit funny. On closer inspection it became apparent that the nut (the little plastic thingymajig that holds the strings in place next to the headstock) had snapped. It had rendered the guitar unplayable. Bah. I needed to find a replacement nut, so I went to the local guitar shop and asked if they sold replacement nuts*.They did! I was in luck. For just 50p, my guitar would be fixed. That was until I uttered the fateful words “Will it fit a lefty?”. That threw a spanner in the works. The bloke behind the counter’s face changed from a look that said “We’re kindred spirits. Brothers in arms. I want to help you”, to a look that basically said “Ooooh, it’s gonna cost you”, in the style of a motor mechanic trying to fleece an old lady. It turns out that, no, the 50p plastic nut from the guitar shop wouldn’t fix my guitar. Instead, I’d have to call a luthier and have one custom made. This would in turn, increase the price from 50p to somewhere in the region of £20. I bet you righties are feeling smug now, aren’t you? Bastards.

It was at that moment that I realised that being left-handed isn’t just ‘a bit of an inconvenience’ – it’s a bloody nightmare. Writing cheques, using scissors, playing the guitar, using camcorders – all these things are made a hell of a  lot more difficult by my affliction. Stuff you never give a second thought to. In fact, you’re probably looking at that list and thinking “What’s right handed about using a camcorder?” Think about it. The world is designed for you. Oh sure – if you look up a list of famous left-handers (like this one) there are some impressive names there – Hendrix, Churchill, Napoleon Boneparte, Fidel Castro, Johnny Rotten – hell – even Einstein was left handed. Well that’s all well and good, but put it into perspective – that means that absolutely everyone else of note was right handed. Us lefties are a pretty small drop in the ocean, right?

Personally, the thing that grates the most – since I don’t write many cheques, I’ve taught myself to use your scissors and I don’t film much that doesn’t require both hands in front of the camera (cough, cough) – the thing that really grates is being a left handed guitarist. You know the guy at parties that always manages to find a guitar somewhere and ends up leading drunken renditions of Wonderwall? Well he’s a righty. Guaranteed. Left handed people don’t ‘find’ guitars at parties. It’s hard enough to buy the bloody things. If you play the guitar and you fancy buying a new one, you’d simply go into the nearest music shop and try some out from their vast selection. Simple, huh? For us, the conversation goes like this: “Do you have anything left-handed?” to which the answer is either going to be “Yes, we’ve got this one” (and the cheapest, crappiest guitar in the world is thrust into your hands), or “No”. Which makes the buying process a tad difficult. Oh – did I mention that on average left handed guitars are ten percent more expensive than their ‘normal’ counterparts? No. Thought not. Going into a guitar shop and asking for a lefty is like going into a toy shop and asking for ‘Pirate memory games suitable for children between the ages of 4 and 8′.

It’s all rather depressing. Anyone that’s ever seen my handwriting will testify to it’s appallingness. That’s because I’m left-handed. At school we were encouraged to write with fountain pens, for some reason still unbenknownst to me. Writing with a fountain pen when you’re left-handed is a bit like trying to change a nappy with your feet. You could probably just about manage it, but it’s gonna be messy, no two ways about it. So rather than get the opportunity to work on improving my handwriting, I spent my entire time putting all my concentration into not smudging every single bloody word across the page. My homework usually looked a bit like it’d been left in the rain overnight – random splodges adorning every page, often obscuring whole words – sometimes whole lines. I’d probably have got better grades at school if the teachers had actually been able to decipher what the hell I was on about.  Although, perhaps not. Maybe I can’t blame that one on my leftiness after all.

Did you know the word ‘sinestra’ means ‘left’ in Latin? Yeah. That’s right. Because I hold a pen in the other hand to you, I’m suddenly ‘sinister’. It’s a form of discrimination, I reckon. Not all lefties should be tarred with the word ‘sinister’, (although you might notice some pretty impressive criminal names on the ‘lefty list’ I posted earlier – apparently Jack the Ripper was left handed. I’m guessing he didn’t kill people using scissors). On the other hand (pun very much intended), the Latin word for ‘right’ is ‘dexter’ – as in ‘dexterity’. Brilliant, so I’m creepy, and you’re just good at stuff with your hands. Sounds about right. Damn. There’s that word again. ‘Right’ – the opposite of ‘wrong’. Ugh.

While we’re on the subject of linguistic discrimination of the ‘brotherhood of other-handers’, how could I forget the lovely phrase ‘cack handed’? Cack handed?! Yeah, well perhaps I wouldn’t have such ‘cacky hands’ if toilet roll dispensers weren’t always on the wrong side of the loo, would I?

*In any other shop this would have been met with a strange look and/or a snigger – but remember, in guitar shops they get people coming in asking for a ‘super slinky electric G string’ and barely bat an eyelid.