Ready Steady Cock

If you ever meet me, it’ll quickly become apparent that I like food. Mainly due to my big wobbly belly, and the fact that I’ll almost certainly be stuffing my face with something or other. Food is one of my big passions – eating it, cooking it, reading about it and watching TV programmes about it. In fact, cookery shows are one of the few things that I watch on television. I’ll watch anything cookery-related, really – from Two Fat Ladies to Two Hairy Bikers and anything in between. I’ll even endure Rick Stein’s moaning. Yup – I’m dedicated to the cause.

One cookery show that always fascinated me was Ready Steady Cook. If you don’t know the premise, it’s pretty simple – two chefs have to make a meal in 20 minutes using ingredients that are bought in by a contestant. The meals are then tasted by the contestant, and the studio audience vote for a winner. It’s a nice idea, watching how professional chefs can turn the most surprising ingredients into something that looks edible. As with any programme of this nature you sometimes get a joker – someone who thinks that it will be funny to turn up with a Pot Noodle, a half eaten nectarine and a live goat, but I have to say, the sweet and sour goat with stir fried Pot Noodle did look delicious.

Aside from picking up cookery tips and generally enjoying the mayhem of watching people trying to prepare food under pressure, the one thing that keeps me watching Ready Steady Cook is the presenter – Ainsley Harriott. I hate him. Picture the Cheeky Girls running their fingernails down a blackboard whilst chewing loudly. Now times the irritation factor by ten. That’s Ainsley Harriott. He’s like the bastard lovechild of Lenny Henry (at his most annoying) and Uncle Fester. 

From the first time he opens his (frankly immense) mouth you know he’s a bit of a knob. He doesn’t pronounce the word ‘welcome’ correctly, and it drives me nuts. Liten to him try  – it’s painful. “Well come to Ready Steady Cook”. No, you moron, it’s ‘welcome’, not ‘well come’! Haven’t you ever noticed that you’re the only person  in the whole English speaking world that pronounces it like that?! Jesus!

And it goes downhill from there. The way he talks to the guests (especially the female ones) gives me the creeps. Which is odd, considering that he’s about as camp as a marching band, dressed in hotpants, playing the hits of Erasure. He somehow manages to turn the most innocent comment into some sort of inappropriate double entendre (which I also have ability to do, but would probably reign it in somewhat if I was hosting a television programme).

“Ladies and gentlemen – here’s our first guest, Doris, aged 74 and recently widowed. Let’s see what she’s bought…Ohh look! It’s a nice juicy peach. Cor! I bet you like a nice bit of peach don’t you Doris? I bet you LOVE it, don’t you, eh? Juicy peaches, eh? Corrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you dirty girl. WHAT AM I LIKE EH, LADIES AND GENTS?”. All accompanied by some disgusting leering at the camera and invasion of poor Doris’ personal space. You can see her thinking “Oh God, why did I agree to this? No one said he was going to touch me….”

But I can’t take my eyes off it. It’s mesmerisingly awful. Like when you were a kid, and you peeked out from behind the sofa to watch Doctor Who, even though you knew it scared the pants off you – I watch Ready Steady Cook with my hands over my eyes, peeking out through the gaps in my fingers, wondering what the hell he’s going to say or do next. The things that he comes out with are incredible. I once saw an episode where one of the chefs burnt something they were cooking. They made the usual joke that it was ‘chargrilled’ – Ainsley picked it up, gurned into the camera and said – and this is no word of a lie – “Chargrilled? That’s blacker than me, that is!” Everyone else on the programme went quiet, presumably thinking “Did he really just say that?” I mean – how do you follow that? (Extreme violence isn’t really an option, sadly).

The other thing that makes Ready Steady cook unmissable is watching dear old ‘Ains’ try to cook. And failing. Allegedly, the man was once a chef, with pretty good credentials (if his wikipedia page is to be believed) but you’d never know it by the hamfisted attempts he makes at cooking on the show. I’ve seen it on more than one occassion where he’s ‘helped’ the professional chef by adding some ‘clever’ twist or other, and completely ruined a dish.

“I’ll just sprinkle some icing sugar on there…”

“What are you doing Ainsley? That’s a beef casserole”

“OH. WHAT AM I LIKE, EH, LADIES AND GENTS?!”

“You’re a knob”.